You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You know, be my cock's hype man.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
