She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
