I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
