you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
