you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
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