I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
