WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
