First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
