I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Randomize
