im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
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