Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
