I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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