I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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