no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
