his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
