My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Randomize
