Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
True strength comes from lack of pants
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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