one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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