come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I will pee on everything he values.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Randomize
