Are we in a gay sports bar?
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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