I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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