I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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