Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Randomize
