I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
