you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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