Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
