I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
