You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
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