If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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