Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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