I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
babies were throwing up all over the place
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize