Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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