I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
