I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
