I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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