Soap is not a condiment
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
