I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
This is the high leading the old right now
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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