yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
