I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
