i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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