How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
