Swine flu is the new snow day.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
How's work?
Spinning.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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