Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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