I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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