when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
