Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
