MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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