i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
