I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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