i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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