I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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