my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
