hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
