Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
