So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
