i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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