I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
His hands were made for my vagina.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
