I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
