This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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