Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
