when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
